guybrush.txt

Hi! My name's Guybrush Threepwood, and I want to be a pirate!
Er... I'm over this way.
THREEPWOOD. Guybrush THREEPWOOD.
Gosh, thanks! I'll do that! Bye, now. I'm off to seek my fortune.
Um... Where did you say those pirate leaders were?
Right. Thanks.   
My name's Guybrush Threepwood. I'm new in town.
I don't know... I kind of like 'Guybrush.'
Well, what's YOUR name?
I want to be a pirate!
Where can I find the Governor?
Why not?
How's that?
I'd like to introduce myself... my name's Guybrush.
Who's this pirate that's bugging the Governor?
What's so scary about this LeChuck guy?
What happened then?
What happened to your eye?
Excuse me, but I'm looking for the dart board.
Where can I get a drink?
Aye, yourself.
Nice hat.
So, tell me about LOOM.
Geeze, what an obvious sales pitch.
Nice talking to you.
Woof.
Wuf, 'LeChuck?'
I want to be a fireman.
I mean to kill you all!
I want to be a pirate.
I can hold my breath for ten minutes!
Er... What three trials are those?
Tell me more about mastering the sword.
Tell me more about mastering the art of thievery.
Tell me more about treasure hunting.
Should I have a map or something?
You're a bunch of foul-smelling, grog-swilling pigs!
What's in that grog stuff, anyway?
I'll just be running along now.
No, but I once had a barber named Dominique.
No thanks. I don't have enough money.
Hey, nice rat!
Yes, I love rats!
That's amazing!
Do you guys know the sneaky-looking man on the opposite corner?
No, but I'll take one if you give me two pieces of eight.
Say, are you guys pirates?
What's in the keg?
I'm really interested in this pirating thing.
How come you're on this street corner and not on a ship, looting, pillaging, sacking, that sort of thing?
Maybe no one will miss just this one thing.
How much for this keen-looking chicken?
Why don't you want it? Is it jinxed with an ancient voodoo curse?
My name is Guybrush Threepwood and I'm a mighty pirate.
Lucky guess. Half the people I know are named Guybrush. 
Journey? What can you tell me about my journey?
Yeah!
What? See what?
Yikes!
Gross.
What kind of things? I hate surprises.
Yikes!
Hello? Anybody in here? HELLO???
Yeah, and bad things happen to people who sneak up on other people from behind.
I'm Guybrush Threepwood, and I'm a mighty pirate.
Threepwood! Guybrush Threepwood!
Boy, I feel much better knowing there's an officer of the law around. 
Not to mention halitosis. Yuck! 
I could really use a breath mint.
I think I'd just like to browse.
Who are you?
But why are you in jail, if you're innocent?
What flowers?
Can I get you anything?
So, how's the food in there?
What was so odd about the rump roast?
Sheriff Shinetop sure is a jerk, isn't he?
He IS filthy. And he smells bad too.
Sorry.
Why are you guys dressed up in those ridiculous outfits?
How much will you pay me?
OK, sounds good.
Er... no, I don't have a helmet. Will I need one?
Of course I have a helmet. What sort of idiot do you take me for?
ECHO echo 
I'm Bobbin. Are you my mother?
About this sword...
How much is it?
I'll take it.
I'd like some rat repellent, please.
About this shovel...
How much is it?
I'll take it.
I think I'd just like to browse.
Look behind you! A mouse!
Stand aside, troll, I'm a mighty pirate.
I can out-insult anybody, you brainless clay doppelganger!
Oh, please, can't I pass?
How much is the toll?
A rubber chicken with a pulley in the middle?
My old moss-covered three-handled family credenza?
How much did you say the toll was?
Captain Smirk's Big Body Pirate Gym Prices: Sword Training 30 pieces o' eight Cannon Firing 160 pieces o' eight Grappling Hook 130 pieces o' eight 
I think I'll knock. It'd only be polite.
Um, could you please put out that cigar? It's not good for your health, and it smells terrible.
Uh... ...maybe I'll just leave instead.
Do you know where the Sword Master lives?
Can we step inside? It's a little chilly out here.
I said it's a little chilly out here!
Could you train me to be better than the Sword Master?
I do so have what it takes!
I do so!
I do so!
All I have is this dead chicken.
I figured you'd do it for free.
I've got 30 pieces of eight.
I do have this deadly-looking chicken.
OK, check it out. 
Machine? Is this going to hurt?
Yikes!
You must be thinking of someone else, I am not a farmer.
How appropriate. You fight like a cow.
I can't help but feel like I've been ripped off. I'm sure you're feeling something similar.
Nice night we're having, isn't it?
How do you guys talk so funny?
My name is Guybrush Threepwood. Prepare to die!
Ever notice how all these roads start to look the same?
My name is Guybrush Threepwood. Prepare to die!
I'm looking for the Sword Master of Mêlée Island™.
I don't think strolling through the forest picking flowers is very good practice for being a pirate.  
I better just stay back here and eavesdrop.
Hi, I'm selling these fine leather jackets.
Yep, nailed right on the head... gee, you're smart.
Even BEFORE they smell your breath?
I wanted to make sure you'd feel comfortable with me.
You run THAT fast?
And I've got a little TIP for you. Get the POINT?
Too bad no one's ever heard of YOU at all.
He must have taught you everything you know.
I'm glad to hear you attended your family reunion.
I'm the deadliest scalawag what ever swung a sword!
I'll just be running along now.
On those helpless dogs?
Better leave this here.  
It's a big, ugly, hairy yak wearing some wax lips.
I can't move it.
I can't move it.
I'll need this. I must be nuts!  
Acck!  ...gophers!
It's beautiful!
I can't open it. Uh, oh!
That should hold him for a while! If only I had a file I could get the idol!
There's a file in it!
I've got the file.  
Phew! That was a close one. At least I got the idol.
Uh-oh.
Look, I can explain...
They're just sleeping!
The door was unlocked!
No, you've got it all wrong!
The pirate leaders told me to do it!
Gee...
Jeepers...
Grlpyt...
Bgglw! Mfrnkf? Dmnkly... --sigh-- I really wish I knew how to talk to women.
I'm going to go put this idol in my safe-deposit box.
Uh-oh.
I can't reach that from here.
Gee, I don't know how much longer I can hold my breath...
I guess I'll be needing a sword. This one will do. Well, that wasn't so hard. Now all I have to do is show this stupid idol to the pirate leaders and--
Governor!
What are YOU doing here? Come to finish the job?
You came down here to rescue me? I didn't even think you liked me.
But I'm not one of your citizens... ...I'm just a drifter, a nobody, a would-be pirate.
Who would have known, or even cared, if you'd let me drown?
Oh, Governor...
Oh, Elaine!
Love muffin! 
Honey pumpkin!
Kiss me!
What?
Why, are you ashamed of me?
Okay then, let's go to your place.
But...
I feel this sudden urge to complete the trials... ...quickly.
I'm the sneakiest footpad in these isles!
I'll just be running along now.
I'll take it. It'll make a swell gift.
I think I've been had! This is no map! It looks like... ...dancing lessons!
'The Legendary Lost Treasure of Mêlée Island™' This carefuly reproduced piece of Mêlée Island™ history has delighted thousands of would-be pirates and their families for generations. Remember, there are other pirates on this island, SO GO EASY ON THE TREASURE. Leave some for the next person.
Here lies treasure of such unimaginable wealth... ...well, you'll just have to dig it up to believe it. 
This shouldn't take too long.
Hey, I think I hit something! Oh boy! It's a T-shirt! Not my size, but a nice one nonetheless. Well, I guess I should put all this dirt back now.  
What was that? I'm so confused.
What? By whom?
So where were you this whole time? Sleeping?
I'll go get a crew and a ship and go rescue her!
Attention, pirates of Mêlée: Your governor is alive and well and by my side as she was always meant to be. If you try to find us you will only meet with horrifying disaster. Yours truly, Captain LeChuck.
Hey! I'm back and I'm ready to know more about the future.
Yikes!
I really hate that flashing, it makes me see spots.
Must what?
What?
Yeah!
Spill it!
Great.
Don't worry, I'll watch out for LeChuck.
Did you know the Governor's been kidnapped?
Can I interest you in a dream vacation to Monkey Island™?  Because of this sudden change in local government, I'm prepared to offer you a once-in-a-lifetime price on a cruise to that scenic wonderland... ...Monkey Island™! And the amazing thing about this offer IS the price: Absolutely free! All you have to do is help me crew the ship, and island paradise can be yours... FREE!!  
Where are all the pirates?
What can I do to save her?
Why should I do that?
Where can I get a ship?
Will you join me?
Get me a drink!
Right! I'm off! 
This stuff is eating right through the mug!
Well, actually, there is something... I'm looking for brave people to join my crew and sail off to Monkey Island™ with me to rescue the Governor. She's been abducted by the fearsome pirate LeChuck, and is being held against her will somewhere in his secret hideout.
I can't believe I fell for that. Pretty good trick, though.
I'm here to loot the Governor's mansion.
Reservations?!? For looting?
Why, yes I do have reservations.
Threepwood, Guybrush Threepwood.
No thanks, I've got a ship to catch.
I want to embarass you at swordfighting again.
I want us to make up and be friends.
The Governor's been KIDNAPPED!
I'm getting a ship and a crew together to rescue her.
I'm a pirate, cannonball-head. Who are you?
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to call you cannonball-head.
I meant to call you chrome dome.
Excuse me, but the sign said there were restrooms in here?
What was your name again, cannonball-head? 
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to call you cannonball-head.
Ha ha ha.
Yes, please show me, Mr. Meat.
The Governor's been KIDNAPPED!
Oh really?   Take a look at this note they left. 
We could get a crew together and sail off after them.
What about me?
Hey, I'm serious.
Really.
Wait!
No, I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.
Oh, is that all?
Oh, come on, Meathook. You're a big, strong, good-looking guy with a talking tattoo. You can swab my decks any time!
Sure.
Just pack your stuff and meet me at the dock.
Wow, this is sounding better and better all the time.
Let me see the best ship you've got.
Money is no object!
All I have is this rubber chicken.
Actually, I was hoping to get one on credit.
Oh... no more than 174 pieces of eight.
On second thought, this may not be the ship for me.
Something not too expensive, but built to last.
Oh... no more than 174 pieces of eight.
On second thought, this may not be the ship for me.
That spiffy blue one by your office looks nice.
I really don't have that much to spend.
Chimps? There aren't any chimps in the Caribbean! 
Oh... no more than 174 pieces of eight.
On second thought, this may not be the ship for me.
Actually, I'd like to go think about it some more.
A compass?
With your picture on it...
Right. 
I'm interested in procuring a note of credit.
Yes, of course I do.
I'm a grog-swilling, foul-smelling pirate.
I'm looking for the Sword Master of Mêlée Island™.
Maybe if you asked her again? Hmmm... I guess I could hike all the way over there... ...AGAIN. Be right back. AND DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!
Hmmm... There's nothing in here but this note.  
Uh... could I see that red one again?
I got credit from the storekeeper. Will you take it?
Uh... could I see that Viking one again?
I got credit from the storekeeper. Will you take it?
Uh... how much do you want for yours?
Uh, could I see that cheap one again?
I got credit from the storekeeper. Will you take it?
Uh... right.
Well, what do you think it's worth?
Let's talk extras.
I think I can live without that particular piece of junk.
I think I can live without that particular piece of junk.
I think I can live without that particular piece of junk.
I think I can live without that particular piece of junk.
I think I can live without that particular piece of junk.
I think I can live without that particular piece of junk.
I think I can live without that particular piece of junk.
Enough about extras, already. 
Well, what do you think it's worth? 
I'd like to make you an offer. 
I'd like to pay 2000 pieces of eight.
I'd like to make you an offer.
How does 3000 pieces of eight sound?
I'd like to make you an offer.
Okay, okay. 4000 pieces of eight.
I'd like to make you an offer.
All right! 5000! But that's my final offer!
Maybe I should have gotten that extended warranty after all.
Have you come to be on my crew?
Money?
How appropriate. You fight like a cow.
This isn't going to be as easy as I thought.
First of all... I'd like to say it's great to be working with such a fine crew. The voyage ahead is not going to be easy. It's going to take skill, endurance, and most of all... TEAMWORK. First I thought we'd assign some duties.
I made a list.
--sigh--
I'm doomed. 
It says: That's the last entry. 
Hey guys, what's happening?
Is there anything I can do to get you guys to help me?
I'm going to give you mutineers five seconds to come to your senses! Then I'm going to start kicking some butt!
Keelhaul / Kel-hol 1: to haul under the keel of a ship as punishment or torture. I see your point, thanks.
I hear the weather's pretty nice over by Monkey Island™.
Hmmmm.... I loved this stuff when I was a kid. I liked the way it chewed up the roof of your mouth.
Crunch Crunch Crunch Crunch GREAT! A toy prize inside.
This is no prize! It's a small key with a finely engraved monkey on it.
Man, that's heavy. Filled, no doubt, with gold and jewels. 
He look! A piece of paper. And some cinnamon sticks.
Yikes! I think I'm getting dizzy!
Fsspt. I feel awful.
Holy Monkey Bladders! It's Monkey Island™.
Hey look... ...we've made it to Monkey Island™.
The trail ends here.
Er, sorry.
It's printed on letterhead!
I got taken by a guy named Stan...
Are you some kind of a castaway?
Who are you talking to?
Um... sure.
Were you stranded?
Boy, it sure is HOT here. I'm no geologist, but judging by these conchoidal fractures... ...I'd say this is a piece of flint!
He looks pretty bad...
I'm Guybrush. I'm here to rescue someone.
Er... That's not exactly what I meant. I sailed here in pursuit of the Governor of Mêlée Island™, who's been kidnapped by a ghost.
Um... Well, perhaps I could take you back, too... ...but I've got to rescue the governor, first. I think she's on that ghost-ship underground.
What happened to your pants?
How did you get stranded here?
How come you didn't just go with the chimps?
You're the only one on the island?
Did you lend something to the cannibals?
Why don't you just give me the key to the Monkey Head?
Excuse me, I've got pressing business to attend to.
AAA!!!
It's either an incisive representation of the futility of man... ...or it's a log and a couple of rocks.
Yes, it IS a nice view. Excuse me, I've got pressing business to attend to.
Whoops...
Wow! Looked like it hit the big banana tree on the beach! I bet the odd against that are incredible!
Rubber tree.
I would have knocked, but I couldn't find a door.
Excuse me, I've got pressing business to attend to.
I can paddle it with these oars.
There's a message in it! It's a memo... Hmm. Sounds like Legalese. I don't think I can translate the rest.
Yes, it's quite impressive.
Excuse me, I've got pressing business to attend to.
Hi! Seen any big, ugly, scary, see-through pirates around here?
Hi! Is there anything good to eat on this island?
Hi! I'm here to rescue the Governor of Mêlée Island™.
Hi! I think I'm going nuts. I've got to hurry up and rescue the Governor and get off this island!
You're cannibals?!
Look behind you! A three-headed monkey!
Look behind you! A three-headed monkey!
I might fit through that hole, but I don't think this banana picker will.
I doubt anyone will miss this piece of junk.
This is much too heavy to pick up... let alone carry around this godforsaken island for god knows what reason.
Don't eat me! I'm a mighty pirate!
I have your banana picker. 
OK. And don't worry, I won't use it or anything. Excuse me, I've got pressing business to attend to.
Well, actually, there is something...
Money. I want money.
I need a ship.
Well, this big rock fell out of the sky...
I'm looking for somebody. 
I'm looking for 30 dead guys and one woman.
Then you've seen the ghost pirate LeChuck and his cadaverous crew?
Give me the potion! I'll use it on LeChuck!
Why not?
LeChuck came in here and stole your root? What a cad!
Where is he hiding it?
What happened? Health department shut you down?
I'm off to find LeChuck and get the root!
The what?
Why are you guys talking in pig Latin?
--ahem--
I know, but I really need that navigator head thing.
Thanks.
Yeah!
I had a feeling that in hell there would be mushrooms.
Uhh... You wouldn't happen to have a root I could borrow? Yikes!  
Hello, head.
Thank you for leading me to the ghost ship.
May I please have that necklace?
Why can't I have it?
Why can't I have it?
Maybe I'll just take it...
I don't want to have to hurt you...
What're you going to do? Bite me?
If I wanted to I could dropkick you into the lava.
This feels weird.
Yikes! I hate rats!
Yech, it's all over my hands.
This should stop it from squeaking.
Oh good, more inventory.
This should do it...
I'll just grab this old root and be on my way.
I did it! I got the root! 
I'd love to have you stuffed. I'd make a fortune.
Thanks.
What happened to the ship?
What wedding?
WHAT? But how will they... Where is the wedding?
Mêlée Island™? Oh, no! Why are YOU still here?
I've got to go after them! I've got to stop that wedding!!
...hey... How did you get in here without a head?
If you have a ship, why are you waiting to be rescued?
Will you take me to Mêlée Island™?
OK.
Well, that was certainly easier than the trip TO Monkey Island™. I wonder where Toothrot's gone to NOW? Now I'll have to stop the wedding by myself!
Yikes!
I'm selling this fine mouthwash.
Cool!
I must have left it in my other pants. Bye now.
I suffer from a rare pigmentation efficiency syndrome.
My chains are at the cleaners being degreased.
It's busy being overpowered by your OWN deathly stench.
You mean the head on this root beer? This stuff's great! Watch out, LeChuck! There's a new sheriff in town, and his name-- --Hey! I'd better get to the church!
STOP THE WEDDING!!
Take THIS, you vaporous voodoo vermin!
Governor!
How did you manage to escape?
I thought LeChuck was going to marry you.
If you're here, then who's that in the dress?
What?
Oh, I'll get it!
...oops...
...but... ...I... ...er... ...hey... 
Well, I can't believe your stupidity.
Well, I can't believe your enormity.
Well, I can't believe your atrocity.
Well, I can't believe your alacrity.
...Er... ...say, now... ...let's not be hasty...
Yikes! Don't sneak up on me like that!
That's OK. You know, LeChuck was a deviant, obnoxious, slithery, creepy-crawly sort of a guy, but I'll say one thing for him...
He sure looks nice exploding against the night sky.
Actually, I'm a bit sick of root beer. While I was in the machine over at Stan's-- Gosh, I hope Stan's OK...
I wish me crew could have seen this...
At least I learned something from all of this...
How to deal with frustation, disappointment, and irritating cynicism.
Yikes! 
Soon you'll be wearing my sword like a shish-kabob!        
You fight like a dairy farmer.         
This is the END for you, you gutter-crawling cur!
I once owned a dog that was smarter than you.                  
Have you stopped wearing diapers yet?  
I got this scar on my face during a mighty struggle.             
I've heard you were a contemptible sneak.   
I'm not going to take your insolence sitting down!         
You're no match for my brain, you poor fool.                 
You have the manners of a beggar.          
People fall at my feet when they see me coming.               
There are no words for how disgusting you are.              
My handkerchief will wipe up your blood!   
Nobody's ever drawn blood from me and nobody ever will!
You make me want to puke.                 
I've spoken with apes more polite than you. 
My tongue is sharper than any sword.       
I will milk every last drop of blood from your body.            
I've got a long, sharp lesson for you to learn today.          
Only one have I met such a coward!        
I hope you have a boat ready for a quick escape.               
My last fight ended with my hands covered with blood.           
My sword is famous all over the Caribbean!   
You are a pain in the backside, sir!        
I've got the courage and skill of a master swordsman!            
Every word you say to me is stupid.         
My wisest enemies run away at the first sight of me!          
There are no clever moves that can help you now.              
My name is feared in every dirty corner of this island!          
No one will ever catch ME fighting as badly as you do.            
If your brother's like you, better to marry a pig.                  
Now I know what filth and stupidity really are.                  
First you better stop waving it like a feather-duster.
How appropriate. You fight like a cow.
And I've got a little TIP for you. Get the POINT?
He must have taught you everything you know.
Why, did you want to borrow one?
I hope now you've learned to stop picking your nose.
Too bad no one's ever hear of YOU at all.
Your haemorrhoids are flaring up again, eh?
I'd be in real trouble if you ever used them.
I wanted to make sure you'd feel comfortable.
Even BEFORE they smell your breath? 
Yes there are. You just never learned them.
So you got that job as a janitor, after all.
You run THAT fast?
You make me think somebody already did.
I'm glad to hear you attended your family reunion.