You are a genius, no not just a mere genius, the king of all… no no scratch that. You are the emperor of all geniuses. Where others despair, your work begins. You can do the impossible. By the age of 16 you had already solved all of the problems. All of them. Just think of any problem you can imagine. You had already solved it. There were only two borders you could not cross. The border of space-time and the border that separates the human minds from each other. Early on in your research you realized that you had to move far away from any kind of civilization to make any progress in this field. The brain wave interference of even the smallest of villages would always dominate your error estimates. So you used your crypto billions to build a high tech lab in the arctic. Over half a century later you actually did it. Today. About 20 minutes ago you solved the greatest of all mysteries. You invented the space time mind warp swapper. The first thing you did after finishing this reality breaking machine was taking a nap, of course. Nobody likes to feel tired when traveling across dimensions after all. What you didn't expect was that there were far greater powers in this universe than your genius brain. And those powers were not amused. Not at all. Those borders were meant to remain uncrossed. So without you knowing the universe started to conspire against you about 5 minutes ago.
A sudden crash wakes you from your slumber. You hear metallic screeching. When you look outside the window you can see snow and ice grinding down the walls of your home. You are caught in the most powerful snowstorm this world has ever seen. Your death is imminent. Or is it?
Didn't you minmax your nap time down to 15 minutes? I have never seen you take a 20 minute nap for at least two decades. You should have woken up minutes ago. Are you sure you're not still dreaming?
Just imagine still being asleep while this storm is raging. I mean you have at most a minute to escape. Sleeping could kill you.
People often awake when they die in their dreams.
Many people report dreams full of twisted logic. As if the laws of nature were fundamentally different in a dream.
Did I tell you about the dream inside a dream inside a dream in which I was awake, that I had the other day? The weirdest thing about the dream was that I was actually awake the whole time, it wasn't a dream at all. Hmm maybe I should check the flow of time.
I'll give you a hint, okay? You are dreaming right now. I'm 100 % cereal. I'm not lying to you. This almost feels too real to be real. You know what I mean?
You know how you could determine whether this was a dream or not? Hurt yourself. Just a little. There is a lot of dangerous stuff lying around here. Just use your imagination.
What even is reality? I mean can you ever be sure that the things around you are really real? Your senses have failed you before. I know they did. What makes you so sure that they’re not failing you right now?
My grandma used to say: "Child, even if there's nothing you can do, you can always take a bath with your nuclear powered toaster.“
Did you know that the bread crumbles in your toaster are really good for your skin? You just have to bathe in them.
Don't you want to test your knife maybe? Just a small cut in the neck. A small cut has never hurt anyone.
Severing an artery is one of the least painful ways of death there is. You don't need to make a deep cut and a small hole is more than enough.
Isn’t it a weird coincidence that forks have the perfect shape to be put into power outlets? Maybe there’s a deeper meaning behind this.
A two-pronged fork. You know what has two holes like that? A power outlet!
A new study has revealed that out of 5670 participants more than 90% felt a significant increase in their perception, their reflexes and their critical thinking skills after being hit by a strong electrical current.
High frequency currents can stabilize your brain waves. You will feel much better with stabilized brain waves.
There are millions of ways to die, you know. I'm quite fond of the more traditional causes of death like gravity for example. It's quite effective.
Have I told you about my powers? I can do anything I want in here. For example I could turn off gravity. There. It’s gone. Try jumping off a high ledge. It won’t hurt at all. I promise you.
Fun fact: from 2032 up until 2041 laying Lego brick fields on foreign soil was considered a war crime according to the Geneva convention. The article that banned them was appealed, once the lego corporation fused with the European government.
Death by stepping on Lego is one of the most common causes of death in Denmark. But big lego spends a lot of money to suppress this information.
Uggh I would rather take a bullet than eat a slice of pineapple pizza. It would be more merciful, I think.
Did you know that pineapple acid can react with ham to create a substance called instantdeathium™ which causes turbocancer? It's almost as bad as turbo capitalism, but at least it kills you faster.
Rat poison? Well at least it tastes better than pineapple pizza.
It’s not actually rat poison, you know. It’s candy from a really underground brand. It’s only called rat poison to scare all the hipsters away.
Your invention sounds like devil stuff to me. Did you know that fire cleanses one's soul? Maybe you should give that one a try
ugh i’m really cold. Would you mind setting yourself on fire to keep me warm?
I always wondered what would happen, if I put a can of beans into a microwave.
Do you like explosions? I like explosions. I heard you can create a huge Bang by microwaving a can of beans
Rocks fall, everyone dies .
I have 99 problems but getting hit by random debris is not one of them
Sometimes you just need to take a break.
You know, you're really bad at this game. Maybe you should stop trying so hard and take a break . Just relax. Don't stress out about this. You are not defined by your failures. You are a respectable human being and you should be proud of yourself.
I have to do something real quick. I'll be back in about two minutes. Please don't do anything while I'm gone. Do not touch a single key. I don't want to miss anything.
I'm back. Did I miss anything? Did you see it? Oh, you didn't. Well that's too bad. I just wanted to give you a hint so you could get out of here. I've grown quite fond of you, you know? You were a really entertaining player. I will miss you but I know I have to let you go. It's for your best. Just do nothing, okay? Leave the keyboard alone for a while. Just stare at the screen, enjoy the atmosphere and don"t forget to thank our chief asset manager for his great work. Have a good life, my friend. I believe in you.